an Aotearoa poetry journal | ISSN 2744-3248

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Tarot #07
Tarot #06
Tarot #05
Tarot #04
Tarot #03
Tarot #02
Tarot #01

Secrets Spill and Trust Breaks

You’re an asshole
and I’m an introvert
I’m sorry
I can’t accept your apology.

I shouldn’t have come here
when you’re already a bottle deep
and I’m one insensitive comment away
from the breaking point.
I wasn’t the only one
to leave with hurt feelings.
Doesn’t that make it my fault?

And this isn’t the first time
I’ve inadvertently ruined things.
I’m swallowing the apology back
because I wasn’t the one who said
all of the crap, you were spilling
secrets around like confetti;
it falls to the floor in a great spectacle.
You can’t just put it back
once it’s used up.

You’re making me glad I guarded
the secrets I have that hurt the most.
The ones you’d want to know
because they have the potential
to ruin a reputation.
But I never wanted to know yours
and you made me choose a side:
a conscientious objector
forced to take up arms.

You knew when I showed up
that I carried heartache.
And you reached into my chest
tore my heart apart with claws
you must have grown overnight.
Because I never saw them there before.

It’s such a relief when you leave
me in the hallway crying.
And you get in the taxi.
I imagine you in the centre of the nightclub:
bloodstains on your dress,
twirling on the dancefloor
as if the whole world revolves around you,
taking up space,
demanding attention,
running bloodied hands
up a stranger’s arms,
whispering into his ear
a secret for a secret,
because that’s how you collect them.

And he’s probably stupid enough
to open his mouth
because there is something about you
that’s easy to trust.

But secrets spill
and trust breaks.
Friendship fades.
Some mistakes
are made twice.
I’m not sorry
I can’t accept your apology.